Screenplay Rating- Recommend

FEEDBACK FROM SELMA B;

1. Like how Max kisses the photo with her fingers. It’s what mothers do. Also establishes her sense of humanity and what is most important to her.

2. You establish very well the biker culture with the tin mugs. I am a big fan of using everyday objects to set a scene or establish a point of view, and you have done this very well. Visually, this will also film very well as the mugs set up a link between all the bikers. Very clever of you.

I love the names you have chosen. I firmly believe that names are crucial when it comes to characterisation because they often subconsciously link us to the type of person the character is. For example, if you had called Bodee, ‘Greg”, we would immediately form a different view of who he is as a person. Bodee is a cool name suggesting strength but also kindness. Very good technique.

I like how you set up the interaction between Bodee and Seth. The power play will draw the viewer in and show who they are as men. You also continue with the theme you introduced earlier of Max kissing the photograph as you further establish her love (and concern) for her son. For me, this was a really important part of the scene because she knows who and what these men are – she knows their strengths and weaknesses and perhaps is grappling with letting her son become involved with them, and thinks twice after seeing Seth punish a nominee, Huss.

When she is reassured by Seth and Bodee and Boy’s protest, Max has no choice. I immediately identify with her because of this, and it adds a huge amount of authenticity to her character. I like it a lot.

3. This is a very powerful scene. Its strength comes from having no dialogue. The viewer anticipates ‘somethings going down’, and Seth is further established as a force to be reckoned with.

4. Excellent scene. Very visually compelling. Pack weaving like a metal snake. And then there is the Boy – all excited. He’s a part of it now.

5. Once again, you’ve pulled the viewer in with the familiar, the every day – the mother juggling the hotdogs. It gives a sense of normality to what, for many people, is not the norm. Very well done.

A very significant point in this scene is Max relaying to Huss’s girlfriend, Holly that the club comes first. Before anyone or anything.. the club comes first; remember that.

6. At the swap meet, people move about viewing the bikes on display. Hemi’s bike is really well described.

7. The power of the blood-red stone. Just like his Dad’s. Our hearts ache for him. Brilliant.

8. This is An important scene as it underlines Max’s misgivings about Boy joining the club without her having to say anything. It also outlines his inexperience.

Boy’s younger sister, Erin, wants him to teach her to ride so she can join the cub, too. Boy tells her, “The club is only for boys” There is a sense of foreboding created as a result of this scene. Very well done.

9. There is an accident, and Erin breaks her arm, and Max takes her to hospital.

10. No harm done. Erin has the cast. Seems OK. Once again, the technique of the everyday object (the cast) is utilised well, keeping the viewer engrossed in the narrative.

11. Like how there is a hint of tension between Carmen and Max. Tension is released, and Carmen shows us where she is coming from regarding her dead son, Joe. Carmen challenges Max about the welfare of the kids; she says, “If Joe were here, he’d…”

Max, frustrated, responds: “Well, Joe is not here, Carmen, and it will never be here again. “The sense of loss in this scene is very strong and is almost another character in the room.

12. Love this scene for the link it provides between Max and Worm. They are united against Carmen, like how they keep the cigarettes hidden in a jar, just like they must keep their disdain for Carmen hidden.

13. I like that Max is a tattooist, but I like even more that she has principles, and she shows them when Holly comes in for a “Property of tattoo” Max refuses to do it; she tells the teenager,” No way in the world will I ever brand any women the property of any man.”

Instead of giving Holly a tat, Max gives her a job.

14. The description of the interior of the house is significant because it shows that Max is not just a tough biker chick – she takes pride in her surroundings and is a responsible person. It consolidates her role as a caring mother. Like the connection between Bodee (The Godfather) and Boy, I like the story about Joe, and I like that Joe’s memory is kept alive.

15. Max and Bodee have known each other for a long time. “I can’t believe Boy is turning sixteen

16. ‘Gutter Girls’ cracked me up. LOL. Go, Max. She is not someone to mess with.

17. Max is further established as being able to hold her own with any man. I Like how Worm just smirks; he knows his sister well.

18-19. I do Like the description of the tattoo palace with the barber chair, etc. I like the communication between the brother and sister. Max is touching up a tattoo on Worm’s arm. “I met Joe here when I came with you to get your first Tattoo, and this shows the impact the place has had on Max”. The viewer wants to know what she is feeling and what motivates her.

20. I Like the way in which Hemi gives Max the belt buckle. His respect for her is established. We see her strength.

21. Feel this scene would also benefit from a little more elaboration on what the competition is and so on. It will then establish more strongly the family life that is obviously so important to Max. That is a really good description of Boy’s birthday party. Sense of camaraderie and affection. The guitar is so significant. A sign of hope. I Like that Max could fully own the tattoo parlour.

22-25. Ups and downs provide a really good dramatic effect. The tender placing of the guitar in Boy’s room contrasts with Cassie snorting coke in the bathroom and Max dragging her outside. Sense of loss and foreboding is highlighted.

26. Lots of future dramatic tension is indicated. Very good development.

27. Carmen’s troublemaking position is solidified when she finds out about the drugs at the party. The viewer is pulled right in – eager to find out how this develops.

28. Good visual scene with the counting of the drugs. The sense of foreboding grows.

29. The speed with which Max organises her finances emphasises her strength as a person and as a woman.

30.–32. Good busy scenes. Hemi and the heavy lifting…. too funny!!!

33. Good indication of future drama. Love it.

34. – 35. Establishment of Hemi as a significant character and him being aloof when Max asks him about his back tattoo. The beginning of unspoken sexual tension. Great technique.

36 – 37. The significance of Joe’s bike, gleaming like an icon. Very powerful scene.

38. We all knew Carmen would be trouble. A Great tension-building scene.

39. Love the building of the sexual tension.

40. – 48. I really like the inclusion of the scene where Seth pulls a knife on Weed. The contrast between the harmless fun of the paintball and this act is very effective and adds to a strong sense of anticipation and foreboding.

49. – 55. Outlines very well the biker lifestyle. Seth’s tenderness over the dying dog underlines his complexity. Good group of scenes. Add meat to the narrative.

56 – 69. Good narrative flow. Great sense of continuity. Like how the relationships between characters are consolidated. Like the tense dynamic between Seth and Max.

70 – 77. Those are very good scenes. Max’s softer side. But her becoming involved with Hemi is complicated, especially when her kids are involved.

78 – 84 Good, warm, happy, family scenes.

85 – I love the description of the women at the opening night of the Tattoo Palace attempting to appear refined while sipping champagne. Seth appears as a sinister force sitting in Joe’s old chair.

86 –88 Lots of great tension-building with Carmen and Seth.

89 – Perhaps this is the entire crux of the film –” It’s always bad men who get the hearts of good women beating faster”. Very significant scene.

90 – 101 Great narrative development with the mediation, problems with money and Seth’s growing psychosis. We anticipate fully a dramatic climax. Very well written.

102 – 121 And so it begins. Seth’s betrayal is the catalyst that is released like a bullet and unleashes an onslaught of violence. These are very powerful scenes. The action moves quickly and effectively.

122-128. Incredible amount of tension. The attack on Holly is horrendous. There is a strong element of fear as well as of things possibly accelerating out of control. Love how the Highway Rogues are likened to the Four Horseman, an apocalyptic, end-of-day feel. I can imagine it being shot with lots of clouds and shadowy lighting.

129-134 Max’s kindness and strength are highlighted as the tension continues to build.

135-149 Fantastic technique here contrasting the choral competition with Bodee’s attack. It is really the light vs the dark. So dramatic, so effective. Extremely well written.

150-165 There is hope building that maybe Hemi and Worm can get away from Seth after they finish the bike. There is hope that there might be a happy ending.

166 + A well-written invitation into the lifestyle of ordinary people who love to ride and how it can be corrupted by evil and greed. But mostly, how the innocent pay the price. So powerful. So poignant.

It was clever to have Josh film the carnage on his camera. It shows all perspectives until Seth shoots him.

When Seth aims at Boy, Max demonstrates a mother who will do what she has to do to protect her child when she uses Angry’s gun to kill Seth.

Angry protects her by taking the gun and wrapping his bloody hand around its butt and trigger.

All I can say is ‘WOW! I was blown away by the ending.

Max’s decision to sell the farm and Joe’s Tattoo Palace surprised me, and the white Christmas farewell party was beautiful. When Max was the last to leave the farm, I cried.

I knew it would end this way, but I didn’t want it to end at all; I want to see this on the big screen very, very badly!!!!!

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READER’S COMENTS

What readers had to say about the script.

• I thought the story In Bad Company was fascinating. I really was just hypnotised by it.  I think the strongest thing I liked about the script is that you haven’t written characters–you’ve written people. Every single person in the script has this great depth and humanity.

• I read the script in one day and was really was hooked into it, I couldn’t put it down.  All the characters have great depth and personality, that makes every little heartbreak and joy and nuance so amplified,  we can believe that  it is happening to real people. I think it’s those subtleties in the characters that elevate the script to a much more dangerous and volatile place where the consequences of these people’s actions really have a profound impact on each other and we care terribly for them because they are human.

• This is a movie I would definitely love to watch and love to champion. I loved its characters, how uncompromising it is, how fair and balanced it is, and how dramatic it was without seeming random or arbitrary, to be honest I really liked it.

• The moral dilemma facing Max toward the end of the script is fantastic. 

• There are some excellent individual scenes and sequences. The climactic shootout is fantastic.

• You’ve definitely nailed the tone, and managed to write a story that accurately depicts this fascinating subculture. There is no doubt what type of movie this IS.

• It fits into a category similar in tone and style to the television show, SONS OF ANARCHY, but far more believable. 

• There are great intense action scenes peppered with some gruesome violence. There is also a strong emotional love story that evolves between Max and Hemi.

• You’ve crafted a story that vacillates between the brutality of the lifestyle, and the importance of family. 

• On the surface, this looks and reads like a professional script.
• What this story also has going for it is a strong female lead a unique selling point that sets this particular script apart.

• A very strong point to this script is your dialogue.  It always seems to be on point and very significant. You don’t ever have a character saying anything that seems irrelevant. It all seems to fit nicely and there is some strong writing behind that.

• You describe things very well. Your visuals are great.

• There is not a scene in this script, that makes it difficult for the reader to understand where the characters are and what the atmosphere is like at that specific moment. You do a really good job with that.

• It is obvious that the writer has a precise knowledge of character movement, stage design, and physical look of this entire film.

• This script really captures the world it sets out to create. One does really get a sense of the camaraderie, the mate-ship and of the way they look after each other, the freedom of the road and the thrill of riding, but also the ruthlessness and violence that goes hand in hand with those qualities.

• What’s great about your script is it definitely is very good , You’ve established your characters, your setting, your theme, and your scene layout.  Overall, this is a very promising script. Good work!   

• Your manuscript is a reflection of your experience and knowledge as a professional writer.

• This comes as no surprise as it is written by one  who was part of a gang and as I understand it ,now works in  helping young people on the street, so this story comes from firsthand experience. I like it.

• The writer does make good use of graphic imagery in these paragraphs.

• I love the concept of this film. 

• Fantastic  job with this script.

• WOW!  What an invite into the mysterious world of the Outlaw motorcycle gang, by the writer who lives this life told by a mother.  Good  story.

• One does really get a sense of the world it is set in.